Have you ever done something or been through something and didn’t realize how hard it was until someone else asks you how you survived it?
That’s how I feel about the first 6 years of being a mother. My first daughter was about 1 year and a half when I gave birth to my second daughter then about 2 years later, my son made his entrance, and all of that happened in what felt like a couple of months.
Before I can mention what helped me or how I survived doing all that on my own, it is fair to first paint the picture of my life then.
I was in school, working a nightshift full-time job, volunteering at my church as an associate pastor, and leading a young women’s ministry I had founded a couple of years earlier. So literally Monday-Thursday I would go to work from 6:30 pm to 7 am then drop my oldest one at school and stay with the other two while my husband would go to work. Then Fridays and some Saturdays would be dedicated to the young women’s ministry and usually, Saturdays and Sundays were dedicated to church activities.
During the week if I was not cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, spending time with my husband; I will be holding mentoring, counseling, and teaching sessions regularly.
Saying that It was hard and that I was always exhausted, is an understatement; but I was passionate about what I was doing.
Now how did I manage all those hard years? The keywords for me are structure and grace.
I did not have the choice or luxury, I may say, to have family members who could help me and maybe drop me a meal while I was recovering from my deliveries and barely sleeping because of the long nights full of hot tea and breastfeeding.
I still recall the long phone calls with young ladies in despair or the long hours of counseling sessions my husband and I would offer to some couples in need. Our life was a non-stop service to others.
Now, how did I manage to do all that and raise three kids then and four today? The keyword for me was and still is structure, I believe that if I survived that rollercoaster of busyness and falling asleep while doing the dishes, it is because somehow, among few other important things, I was able to create a system, a routine that kept everyone moving and got things done.
Structure…
We all woke up at a certain time every day, the kids ate at a certain time and we slept at a certain time. On my working days, my husband will make sure the kids would have dinner around 6 pm, that they would take their bath around 6:45, that they will read until about 7:30 then they will all pray and get ready for bed at 8 PM. At my house, back then because today, the schedule is a little different, no kids were walking around the house “alive” J past 8 PM. All of them were in bed, no later than 8 PM. As little as this may sound, it helped my husband to get a breather after his long day of work and on my days off, I would have some “me” time after 8 PM. However, those “me” times were usually filled by distress or coaching calls from most of the young ladies, I would be mentoring. Though I may not mention it here, within the structure, there was also a time that I dedicated myself to eating, snacking, reading (as I mentioned earlier) so, pretty much most of the things, we were doing weekly was on a schedule.
I left room for some improvisations but mostly on weekends when for example, I would allow them to stay up longer, eat late as well and sometimes eat out on Sundays.
This structure may seem very military to some but raising 3 toddlers then, on my own, I needed to establish a system that will keep us all sane.
So, the crucial thing here is, how we used our time. time was not leading us, but we were leading it. We were determining what should be done and when, and that, friends, helped tremendously.
Flexibility…
Another key component was flexibility, especially between my husband and me. Few things helped, as I have been observing around me, I know for a fact that some of our characters’ traits also contributed a lot to how we were able to handle our early parenting years. My urge for structure, order, and proactiveness and my husband’s non-picky character when it comes to eating, helped a lot. This is what I mean by that: we both had to share a lot of the house chores and taking care of the kids. Though He did not grow up in a culture that educates men to do house chores or help their wives in a different domain; he always did. From taking care of the kids to doing the dishes, from fixing the girls’ hair to vacuuming the house, he helped a lot. Now, for some reading this, you may think, that should be the norm or others may think that the man should not do that; I would say that though he was not raised to do so, I am glad he did because that helped a lot to raise OUR kids. There are times when we had to eat leftovers, and there were days where I had to ignore the mess in my living room to get back to it after I would be done with the kids’ laundry for example, or another counseling session.
Being able to balance between being flexible enough to let go and structured enough to keep order, was the key to our lifestyle.
I would define being flexible with the fact that though I may have had preferences on what I would rather be doing, or what I would rather be spending money on, I had to be flexible with certain realities and demands of our lives and adjust to them.
Grace…
Last but certainly not least, it is the grace of the Lord that surely allowed me to stretch beyond what I thought I could. It is supernatural and often it is hard to explain or describe, but I will try. In this topic, I would like to portray grace as the invisible ability to do what one was not necessarily able to do. I did not grow up with my family, so I was quite ignorant about how a family is supposed to be structured, how a family is supposed to live together, etc… My faith in the Lord’s ability to teach me, was a great influencer when it came to my walk and what I did or did not do with my family. In other words, spending time in God’s presence in prayer, reading of His word, having conversations with him when I would lean on His knowledge and strength instead of my own, has been an amazing help for me and my family. When I look back, I did make some mistakes because in some cases, God has designed certain advice or wisdom to be acquired through experiences, so yes, I would have loved to have a wise mother paying more attention to me and being willing to share some wisdom with me. My biggest mistake was in an almost non-existing self-care and how many times, beyond what I see as healthy today, ministry and people’s need was a priority instead of our family time (This I would probably address in a separate blog).
Bottom line, Philippians 4:13 says that: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” the keyword for me has always been and will remain: “Through Christ”. As organized and structured as I can be, I believe that it is also my daily invitation to Christ to step into my plans that made a huge difference. So, I would say to any mother out there, that planning is key, the structure is key, self-care is also key however, spending time to seek help whether from God or another experienced mother or father, can also be a great tool to accomplish a balanced, fulfilling, and rewarding lifestyle with your growing family. Today, my three-car seats and one diaper bag have turned into no car seats and many conversations, but that’s a subject for another blog.
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