Observant as I am, paying attention to details, and always trying to find a lesson in what I see, encounter, and live through; being on the receiving side of death and its ravaging wave, one notion caught my attention the most.
Death is experienced in many ways, it is not just physical, but it can be emotional, beyond what our eyes may see.
Death is this inevitable reality that we know we will all experience and encounter, whether up close or far. We all know that it claims and takes without mercy, comes with often no warning but still, we wake up and go about our business daily without keeping in mind, that it might come that day, D-day in which death comes for you or your loves ones.
So, it got me thinking about a couple of things, that I would like to share before landing with my main takeaway from my experience with this powerful “friend”. As a Christian, my faith teaches me that death is only but a door, a passage from this physical and temporary life to eternal and spiritual life with God. My faith is, of course, shaping my lessons and perspectives, however, I always try to learn from life and more, from a non-bias eye, as much as I can.
Death and life walk together, from a Christian standpoint, life is the door into this physical world and death is simply the door back to our eternal and initial state. A door back to where we came from and where we belong. Now, if Christianity is not your faith, then death is simply a door to either nothing or whatever your belief system tells you. For the sake of our understanding and being fluid, I will keep the idea that there is eternity after death. After all, the debate about the latter is not the purpose of my thoughts today.
So, what are the few observations I have made?
First, I have noticed that it doesn’t matter how hard and heartbreaking, its presence can make us feel, most of us, at some point, continue with life. Not forgetting the pain, and the emptiness we feel after its passage, but we do not pursue the rest of our lives with a sense of urgency or remembering the fact that it could happen to us, to anyone, anytime. Now, let me put a nuance to this reflection, and the distinction in this case is time. Often, when we have experienced it recently then, of course, we are still going through the 5 stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance; and if we are healthily progressing through those stages then, often the fifth stage is accompanied by a sense of agreement with the fact that life’s pull is so powerful and keep us going. The keyword here is healthy if we healthily progress through those stages.
Coming back to my point; after a while though we miss those, we have lost, feel the emptiness of their absence, reflect on life itself, or entertain the fear that we might be next, after all that, I see that life’s pull is stronger and most people, most, move on. Those who still have something to live for, move on. The intriguing thing is not the fact that we are moving on, but it is the fact that often, most move on and the idea of death become a little blurry in their daily lives.
I wondered: How is it that when death comes near us, we feel its powerful call and inevitable outcome and you would think that such tremendous vibration will stay with us forever, allowing us to live this life a little differently, treating each other a little differently but no. So, I think that a balanced life is lived when the thought that we could go anytime, is still very present in our mind. I must also note that most of the time, with age, you think about death more and when you are young, you think you got time, the latter is indeed an illusion. We all do not have much time.
If we live our lives with a sense of urgency and an acceptance that we may go tomorrow, the way we live our lives would change remarkably. Who got time to waste hating others when you know you may not be there tomorrow, who got the time to talk and gossip against others when you know for a fact that you may cease to exist on earth tomorrow; who got time to hold grudges when you know that you may leave those you love tomorrow? Bottom line, as much as we need to move on with life, and continue to do, pursue, or take care of our endeavors, we must not forget, we must not lose track that we do not have much time.
Second, does it really matter? Now, with age, I think we learn to have a selective eye and ear; and we no longer, allow just anything to steal our joy, peace, and time. However, often we all fall short when it comes to worrying about things. Just ask yourself: is what I am doing, will matter? Is what I am worried about, will matter? If the answer is no to both questions, then you need to retrospect and make some changes. Life comes with worries and uncertainties; however, we do not have to worry about all of them, we do not have to lose sleep on all of them.
Choosing wisely what we decide to worry about is quite important, and we should only worry about things that will have a long-term impact even after we are gone, which I will mention in my next point. How about focusing on what you can change and dismiss or change your attitude towards what you cannot? How about you focus on where you are loved and dismiss where you are tolerated? How about you move on from your failures, traveling with its lessons to your next stop and not allowing anything or anyone pull you back? These would definitely loosen up your tie and give you some peaceful nights but most importantly, by dismissing what is irrelevant, you have more time for what matters.
Third, it is wise to prepare for death while still alive. Though this notion might be completely the norm for some, it is still unfortunately foreign for others, especially in some cultures. Often, the illusion is that since death is usually associated with old age, young folks think that they do not have to prepare themselves for it, so they do not plan for their death. I am noticing more and more, that if not prepared thoroughly, our departure can leave an unnecessary burden or hard choices for our loved ones. Though those who have departed, really do not carry the burden of making some choices or even care about which funeral home, cemetery they should be buried in, or whether, viewing should be organized, etc... Those are decisions that will be left to the loved ones and often, it can be difficult, confusing, and create disaccord among extended family members, more in some cultures than others, of course.
So, one crucial and common observation is that it is better for an individual to plan for their death legally, carefully, leaving a blueprint of their going plan, for the simple purpose to be followed. Mouth-to-mouth instructions, unfortunately, have lightweight when emotions and family members' inputs are flowing from everywhere, and leaving a spouse with a note is often also not as powerful, so a legal representation holding the individual wishes, is in my opinion necessary, especially if the family is big and influential. From advance directive, in case of a sudden catastrophic illness, to a legalized will mentioning in detail who will take care of your affairs, and a specified plan about funerals and more. In my experience, if possible, we should already have a relationship with a funeral home, and already set up some arrangements, so that everything is set when it happens. Family, loved ones, and friends will be so much alleviated if this was taken care of, ahead of time; and these thoughts do not have to wait until we are old, but in my opinion, we should all have life insurance, no matter our age, but when we start having kids, we should plan for our going.
Last but certainly the most valuable lesson I have learned while facing death, up close and from far: Why do we always wait until the person is gone to let them know or love, admiration, and gratitude?
We often hear a long eloge after someone has passed, and the truth is that maybe it can be of little comfort for the loved ones to know that the one they have lost did impact lives, but those eloges are certainly too late for those who have crossed to the other side. I thought about all the people who passed at my proximity, and I feel sad because I know that the majority died without truly grasping how much they were loved, appreciated, and missed. Why do we minimize what we have access to? Why do we often let familiarity kill the notion that who we have in our lives, is a gift, and mostly, why don’t we write eloges about people that we deeply love, admire, or are grateful for? Why do we always wait until they are gone? Those praises are no longer for them. They are gone. We are too late. How about we take the time to celebrate those we love, those we value, and those we are grateful to; How about we take the time to love and appreciate our loved ones while they can still hear us, while they can still smile back or even dismissed our praises because of their selfless heart. How about we do our best in making sure that those we value, know how deep our love for them is. It should not wait.
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